The Beating...

The speeding feet in the pounding rain. The perpetual beat of a heart. Pounding blood. There is a cave in my heart.
Stepping out of the rain, into the shadows, the noise transitions from the wash of the cloudburst to the flow of your anxious blood. Then to the pounding of your heart. It's so loud. Terrifying, yet trusted.
The roar is overwhelmed by the beating. The beating of dark membranes. You have disturbed them. You are enveloped by their plethora of leather-silk wings.
Neither bird nor beast, the ostracized. Bats. After they have settled, you see the moonlight reflected in two tapetums. The truth in those eyes, is it familiar to you? Or should you be frightened? How many lives has this creature lived?
Come in, friend. Step closer, enemy. You were washed by the rain, rinsed by the darkness, dried by the wings, and clothed. By a purpose.
Am I a panther? Am I the dusk?

THE PLAN for Labels

CHARACTERS are influential people in my tales.
BROWN is tales from a span of ages.
WHITE is tales from age 0-7.
RED is tales from age 8-14.
ORANGE is tales from age 14-21.
YELLOW is tales from age 22-28.
GREEN is tales from age 29-35.
BLUE is tales from age 36-42.
INDIGO is tales from age 43-49.
PURPLE is tales from age 50-56.
BLACK is tales from age 57-63.
Grey is an insight into how these tales may be affecting me.

Labels

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Plaguing My Conscience

It's been a long time since I've written anything public. I have put a LOT of my resentment and anguish behind me. I don't think about my past much and I certainly don't talk about it-- not even with my psychologist. When I do ponder over the past, I rarely dwell on it. And I'm proud to say it doesn't ruin my day when I do remember something. Of course, there is seemingly ALWAYS an exception to the rule.

My (former) brother-in-law attacked me one day. He tried to gouge my eye out while he had me in a head-lock. My sister pulled him off me before things got out of control. I was calm during the fiasco, but I was warning him that if he didn't release me I would fight back. As his thumb scraped closer toward my eye, my hand slid closer toward my favorite knife, which I had strapped to my thigh. We'll skip all the rest of the story (no one went to the hospital, let alone the morgue), despite how troubling it is. Ah, screw it! I have to TRY to justify myself!

After he attacked me, he decided he needed to leave-- as in seperate from my sister. The whole thing started because he ran out of weed to smoke. He was grumpy and my nephew was being rambunctious. My brother-in-law pounced on him and spanked him savagely. When the boy began crying, his dad started screaming at him to shut up. My sister stepped in and a fight ensued. Meanwhile, I was trying to remain calm and neutral. However, I had an impending test at the college later that day and was trying to nap after working all the previous day and most of the night. As he and my sister were fighting, I stepped in and (not too politely) told him to calm down. That's when he attacked me.

So, now he's trying to "leave." He's packing up underwear, a pup tent, ...AND his Desert Star hand gun. My siter, having dealt with his emotionalism before, was afraid for his safety. They began wrestling over the gun. The loaded gun fell to the floor. My nephew picked up the loaded gun and handed it to me. Let me tell you: THE FIGHT WAS OVER.

OK. Now I've "justified" myself... Some time later, a couple years maybe, my brother-in-law saw that his marriage was in ruins. I was deep into my studies in the bible and making fine progress toward becoming a minister. He saw the unbelievable changes I had undergone and he, in all sincererity and humility, asked if I would study the bible with him and my sister. To save their marriage. I said I'd think about it. I never got back to him. They divorced five years ago.

Why this plagues me: Jesus is my king, and my exemplar (Psa 72:1,8; 1Pe 2:21). Obviously Jesus would never hold a grudge (Take, for example 1Pe 2:23). Jehovah god hates a divorcing (Mal 2:16). Knowing the truth from God, I have-- and had a responsiblty to teach anyone who wants to know Jehovah and his righteous ways (emphasis on Mat 28:20 (Mat 28:18-20)).

In a nutshell, I ignored the two most important commands in the universe: Love Jehovah with your whole existence, and love your fellow man (Mat 22:37-39). Up until recently, I got by with the assurance that repentence and obsevance of Jesus' sacrifice would absolve me of this (obvious) sin. OK, agreed.

Here's the catch: my nephews have reported that their father has been reading the bible lately, trying to make sense of it. I also hear rumors from reliable sources that he still loves my sister. I have heard, from my mother, that my sister admits to still loving him. They have both pretty much remained single since the divorce, especailly him.

Is it too late to get involved? Would it be presumptuous? Or would it be the Christ-like thing to do?

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