Hitting is NOT Allowed

I've...brutalized... everyone in my family, I think. That time my Grandmother spit in my face, the time my mother kangaroo punched me. I'm sure my Aunt and I went head-to-head. My sister's left wrist was destroyed, most likely from fighting with me.

This behavior refined itself over the years to include anybody, but only when they struck me. I nearly crushed the throat of some kid in school for hitting me. I've attacked people at a few jobs for striking me, raising their hand to me, or insinuating that I would be hit. I scared the holy-hell out of more-than-many of my fellow inmates in "camp".

I always feared that I'd inherit my legacy, and beat my wife or children. After helping to raise my first nephew, I am quite confident that my future children will be safer than most.

Regarding my wife, she's a Sicilian fire-cracker. We've been married for three years now, and I haven't beaten her. But it shames me that I've thought about it. Worse, I have put my hands on her in malice. No punching or man-slaps, but still, it looks as if the dam is leaking. Every time it's happened, she either struck me or seamed to be about to. But that's no excuse. Not every woman is as dangerous as those in my family; my wife could never hold her own against the likes of me.

It troubles me deeply. It takes weeks for my wife to trust me fully after such incidents. It hurts to know that now, in her heart, she at times compares me to her abusive father. If I thought it would do either of us more good than harm, I'd kill him. And my father knows he's still unforgiven, despite our relationship. So what does that mean for me?

I'm not sure what to make of it. Does it stem from my violent upbringing? Is it symptoms of OCD, Asperger's or some other form of autism? Worse? Is it something as rudimentary as the fact that my sister and I felt free to tackle and pummel each other, so that's my default response to heated arguments with my wife?

I lean toward the belief that I CLEARLY have some unresolved issues. Coupled with my experience with "problem solving" regarding my sister. Therefore, our children will be FORBIDDEN from hitting one another. As far as us hitting them, I suppose there may be a certain age when a slap on the BUTT may get through more readily than a comprehensive discussion. But again, it's not to be taken lightly.

Disciplining a child in ANY way while in a state of anger is at best futile and at worst abusive (whether it scars emotionally, verbally, or physically.) Too, there is an age when talking things out needs to become the precedent. I know that children tend to respect you more when they feel you talk to them and treat them, not as inferior beings, but as"not-quite-adults."

I wish my wife and I could just wrestle when mad! Rather, it's agreed that physical contact is WRONG. That if either of us ever gets violent, the marriage is over. For both our sakes.

I wonder if we'll ever be healed in this life? I hope so. I'm mortified that these legacies may somehow seep into our children some way, some how. Like a trusted, unsuspecting dog bringing a blood-thirsty tick into the home. Finding that tick gorging itself, not on the dog, but on someone far more precious.

After writing this, I feel just like a rusted spring, lying exposed in the dirt somewhere.